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Joke of the Day

"cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now"

"I saw on the news today that a dwarf got pickpocketed. I don't know how anyone could stoop so low!"

"*first astronaut lands on Mars* NASA: How does it feel son? Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band"

"What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez."

"I have bulimic Alzheimers I always eat too much but forget to throw up."

"How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground? I thought Asian women couldn't drive &#3232;_&#3232;"

"I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery."

"What do you call two lesbians in a fist fight? A Muffle Ruffle."

"How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard."

"I'm positive I lost an electron... ...better keep an ion that."