171972

Joke of the Day

"date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist date: Oh wow fox: and a ventriloquist"

"[first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone"

"As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some."

"ME: I want the car's brake lines to rust SCIENTIST: I'm listening ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant"

"WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front W:What one in front? *angry bees are just everywhere*"

"[interrogation] ""Where were you on the night of the 5th?"" ""Dealing drugs."" ""Louder for the tape?"" [leans in] ""Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."""

"Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died? He just needed a little bit of Clojure."

"""See you tomorrow""? I do NOT go to Wendy's every day, Wendy's Lady. Check yourself."

"Pickup line Hey there, wanna come over and watch porn on my 50 inch flat-screen mirror?"

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it was pizza."