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Joke of the Day

"To celebrate Independence Day I'm finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!"

"If I died & went straight to hell it would probably take me 2 or 3 weeks before I realized I wasn't at work anymore."

"I don't see why people dislike racial diversity I'm getting bored of watching the 100 meter dash."

"[on a first date] Ok, don't let her know you're really a squirrel... Her: I had a great time, good night! Me: *runs in front of her car"

"I'm not saying you're an idiot, I'm typing it."

"In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers People stopped at nothing to avoid them"

"I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the handle."

"Friend: You know that country song that goes- Me: No."

"Did you hear about the Jewish boy... ...that asked his father for $5? His dad replied with, ""FOUR DOLLARS?! What the hell do you need $3 for?!"""

"The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him."