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Joke of the Day

"What's the worst part about dating a French horn player? Whenever you kiss, they shove their fist up your ass."

"The year is 2089. Toasters are made clear now and no one burns toast or bagels. Crime is at 0%"

"If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters. - Demetri Martin"

"If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat."

"[doctors exam] ""I'm feeling a lump here. Here's another. You have several lumps."" -uh oh, what does that mean doc? ""it means you're fat"""

"I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn't accept Jesus."

"Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up."

"You know why half a joke isn't funny?"

"If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read ""Pills bury dough boy"" Credit to my friend Chris"

"I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?"