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Joke of the Day

"My mom pops out from under the table while I'm on a date. She's always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-"

"*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i'm having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok"

"I'm a schizophrenic And so am I"

"Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like? Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice."

"What the best way to cut down a tree? A Suhhh Dude"

"Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally tripped into his cloning machine? He was really beside himself after that one."

"I got drunk and woke up in the gutter. This is my sewer side note."

"You can make jokes about anything; just not Mexicans. That's crossing the border."

"I just did all the math and it turns out that girls have tweeted ""Sushi time!"" on 4,362,622,021 different occasions."

"Why don't debutantes like group sex? Too many thank you notes to write"