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Joke of the Day

"When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......"

"Gary Johnson Has won the election."

"What do you call a loud Trump supporter? A Trumpet."

"I know you've been looking at porn if you're staring at the Google homepage when I walk in."

"Q: What is the best Iraqi job ? A: Foreign Ambassador"

"Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti"

"My little old fish didn't move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause."

"I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval."

"Sometimes I call meteors hot space potatoes and everyone just keeps ignoring me"

"Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon."