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Joke of the Day

"I'll betcha that Heimlich guy gets a lot of pats on the back."

"Everyone's gynecologist uses the term battle damage,' right?"

"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put him in the microwave til his Bill Withers."

"[ phone call ] Wife: You want the white 7"" or the black 9"". Me: The black 9"". ..and if she wasn't tablet shopping this would be awkward."

"When I make math jokes, I try to appeal to the lowest common denominator... The problem is that with you lot I usually end up dividing by zero. /mathburn!"

"My grandfather had the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo"

"What did the soccer player shout to the baker who's cakes kept sticking to the tin? ""LINE IT!"""

"A joke I made up when I was high: Why is it good to know someone who kicks ducks in the face? Because they're always footing the bill."

"Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout ""Everybody be cool!"" and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets."

"What do u call a gay dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass"