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Joke of the Day

"I fucked this bitch the other night... The next day, she was starting to get overly attached and needy, so I asked my buddy for some advice. He said, ""Yeah man, golden retrievers can be like that."""

"Thoughts on ""The Hunt for Red October""? oops, wrong sub."

"If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status"

"What goes ""Ooooooooooo!""? A cow with no lips."

"When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, Will it work? Are there any side effects?' No, it's Can I drink with these?'"

"""Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep."" *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE"

"Heading to the dentist. I hope they've all taken their Valium and said their prayers."

"Her: I'm just a vintage soul Me: and a vintage face.. That's how the fight started"

"Astronaut: Dave, that's not necessary in zero-G. Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this."

"What did the American Army General say after the first opposing casualty in the Mexican-American War? Juan down, a million more to go."