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Joke of the Day

"I put a crippled guy above my infants crib He was a-mobile"

"[speed dating] HER: So what do you- ME: How fast can you order a pizza? HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT"

"Whether you are a pile of rubble or dust in the wind... ...depends on how you were razed."

"I asked my doctor if there were any jokes in my body. No pun in tendon."

"Hillary and Donald are in a plane that crashed. Who survived? The pilot who jumped out with a parachute."

"So I saw that Princess Diana is trending on tumblr. She's all over the dashboard!"

"Now that Scalia, the bullfrog of SCOTUS, has passed away... Can we say he finally croaked?"

"Happy Hints To brighten your day, instead of going to the gym, go to Walmart You will feel a lot better about yourself"

"What religion still believes in the Big Bang? [x-post from /r/imgoingtohellforthis] Islam"

"*Open up, police!!* ""NO YOU'RE GONNA YELL AT ME."""