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Joke of the Day

"And the Best McDonald's Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road."

"Mickey is getting a divorce ""mickey mouse it says you want to divorce minnie because she was...... extremely silly?"" ""no, i said she was fucking goofy"""

"Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester... Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds."

"I was going to major in cosmetology.. ..but then they shut down the space program.. idiots."

"How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh? Put two fingers in his honey."

"Women... are like hardwood floors. Lay 'em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life."

"Nuts I like: -Cashew. -Almond. -Pistachio. Nuts I don't like: -Hairy. -Religious."

"If Hillary had a sex change, then we still wouldn't have a female president... except for North Carolina."

"What would Jesus's favorite gun be? A nail gun"

"Is that all? ""I wanna stab you."" Huh? ""Cut your throat."" What? ""Drink your blood."" Um. ""Have your baby."" Uh. ""Kidding! I'll have a coke."""