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Joke of the Day

"According to Einstein, ""Everything is relative."" Sort of like the marriages in Alabama."

"There's a wormhole in the center of my bagel.... ""Of course, that's not a Cinnamon-Rosen bagel....you bought an EINSTEIN-Rosen bagel!"""

"What's the worst part about having Alzheimer's? To get to the other side"

"I know it's normal to be naked in front of your doctor, but I still get really self-conscious every time I go to the optometrist"

"What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside!"

"I need to thank the guy who honked while waiting for my parking spot for inspiring me to stay & write my memoirs in this Target parking lot."

"Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis."

"Dinosaurs are a lot like my will to live Both died many many years ago"

"People ask me to do things months in advance and I'm like, WOW, how does it feel not to expect you might die by freak accident at any time?"

"Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work. Siri: Lol"