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Joke of the Day

"Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks - but half the pages are missing. What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?"

"[in bed] Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene Him: omg yes Me: *disappears to change* *comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*"

"I'm not saying I'm bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot. In other news, I might not know what bilingual means."

"So passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best"

"I've always wanted to own a funeral home.... With the slogan, ""We love it when business is dead."""

"Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs."

"I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said let's go get a bucket of parrot."

"What's the definition of ""Trust""? Two cannibals giving each other head"

"The Reds are going to The Series this year."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again... I've said it before."