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Joke of the Day

"15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman: 1. The Bachelorette 2. The American presidential race Samsies."

"What do you call a sentinel with three hands? A watchman."

"just got mad that firefox was telling me that satan was spelled wrong but turns out it just wanted me to capitalize it and show some RESPECT"

"My dog, Mitten, ate two shuttlecocks this morning. ""*Bad* Mitten!"""

"During labour, nurse came up to me & said, 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?' I was like, 'Thanks, but I already picked a name."

"Why was the beaver homeless? He just couldn't give a dam."

"*in bed* Him: what's your fantasy, baby? Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold Him: No, like sexual Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-"

"I'm selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me."

"Kate Keller is not a good mother. After learning that her daughter, Helen Keller, got turned down by a boy, she asks: ""Are you seeing someone?"""

"If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know."