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Joke of the Day

"I tried smuggling child porn across the border once.... and i would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those fucking kids!"

"WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON'T WORK...IT'S TOO RISKY"

"What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar twenty five, deer nuts are under a buck"

"Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle."

"Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?"

"I heard Jared lost about 7 inches. .. But little Susie isn't sure."

"Why doesn't Anne Coulter have any loose skin? She's afraid someone will make a lampshade out of it."

"The Flash was caught high... He seemed to have taken speed."

"If you ever feel like a third wheel, just stop.... You are not a third wheel. You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels."

"An honest weatherman says ""Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."""