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Joke of the Day

"Someday I wish to experience the moment of joy that seems to only exist in Old Navy commercials."

"My wife's got that good at bonsai, we're having to move to a house with a smaller garden."

"What does a pig put on his cut? Oinkment"

"If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, ... I'd start thinking about you."

"Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever."

"What other body parts did Voldemort not have apart from his nose? His legs and arms.. because he was disarmed and defeated."

"Did you hear about the escaped gang of Jamaican stabbers? Poky mon. Gotta catch em all."

"I said I was mad at myself. My 4yo son looked at me. ""There are fancier words for mad,"" he said, fixing my hair. ""You should say irritated."""

"If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus."

"Police officer: Have you had anything to drink? Me:No PO:Ok, blow into here Me:But there are no candles PO:Ma'am please get out of the car"