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Joke of the Day

"What's big but small? A midget's ego."

"Coworker: Are you seeing anyone? Me: Unfortunately. CW: Then why are you dating her? Me: No, I meant you're standing in front of me."

"Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can't and they don't, so here we are. Stupid land birds."

"Why do cannibal children go to the hospital? Because their mothers told them to eat their vegetables."

"got a meat lover's pizza with the Works: freckles, man curds, leeches, clam clits, jowls, blood clots, charred nuggets, gristle, Megan"

"There are 3 perks of having Alzheimer 1. You can make new friends every day. 2. You can look for the Easter eggs you hid yourself. 3. You can make new friends every day."

"I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower."

"Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories? Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?"

"I organised a little surprise party for a girl from work. She didn't show - so I guess I'll just go back into her loft and wait."

"Hitler was Right All Along. At the same time, Stalin was Left."