162097

Joke of the Day

"I find certain races unattractive... Marathons are one thing, but triathlons seem like too much trouble."

"5: I went potty. Me: Did you remember to wipe this time? 5: No. Me: Why? 5: It's faster my way. I don't know how to counter that argument."

"[NSFW?] As a guy, I've become very insensitive... because I masturbate too much."

"What do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite up his ass A ba-boom."

"How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times one for each watt."

"Hillary Clinton has been so embarrassed about her email scandal that if elected she will bring back the secure channels of communication she used growing up... the pony express."

"Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi. And... Why did the fungi leave the party? Because there wasn't much room."

"My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn't want to be cocky about breathing"

"All I want from Uber is to be driven around until I fall asleep, carried over the driver's shoulder into my home, and tucked into bed"

"Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? Neither did he."