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Joke of the Day

"To hell with syncing the Titanic... I named my iPhone ""ass"" so I could back that ass up."

"When a man falls off a boat you yell ""man over board!"" What do you yell when a woman falls of a boat? Full speed ahead"

"An atom walks to a bar He tells the bartender he lost an electron. The bartender says, ""Are you positive?"""

"[CREATING GROUNDHOGS] GOD: a rat dog ANGEL: check GOD: that whispers to white people ANGEL: what? GOD: about the weather ANGEL:"

"It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle. She tried putting batteries in it."

"My boss came up to me..... My boss came up to me and told me ""don't dress for the job you have but dress for the job you want"" so I dressed up as Batman, the bastard said I was fired"

"Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it's arrests & psych evaluations."

"My girlfriend went to get her test results from the doctor today and it was bad news. He confirmed I'm about to become a husband."

"*you open a ring box and inside it is an enormous pair of jeans* He went to Jared"

"When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, ""O MG!"""