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Joke of the Day

"When I see.... ...lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date."

"Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character's idea, it's really just the author praising their own idea."

"Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan."

"I like my coffee like my women... Piping hot and all over my lap in the McDonald's drive thru (backs away very slowly, opens door without turning around, lurks out...)"

"A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy."

"What's black and is on top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a housefire."

"A pyromaniac recently joined tinder... He got a lot of matches"

"If you're waiting on me to 'get ready' I'm probably just spending 20 minutes trying to get my hoodie strings the same length."

"What's long and hard and full of ""SEE-MEN""? A submarine, obviously."

"Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you? 4-year-old: I won."