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Joke of the Day

"Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: ""Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."""

"What do you do when you come across an elephant? Wipe it off and apologize."

"I might not be the ""best"" father in the world, but I'm also bad with money & know how to beat a polygraph."

"If a person becomes a murderer they go to jail If a cop becomes a murderer they get paid vacation."

"What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother? You can make an agreement with a terrorist!"

"Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now."

"Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife died."

"I was playing snooker with Jacqueline. I looked at her and said, ""Where's your cue?"" She said, ""It's after the C."""

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you're out of eyes."

"[kitchen] ""Please pass the bee-nut butte-"" *wife glares* ""-the honey"""