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Joke of the Day

"back in my day, we had to print out a tweet and hand it to a friend for a retweet. you kids got it easy ""shut the fuck up grandma"""

"You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt."

"Why would you wrap a hamster in duct tape? So it doesn't explode when you're fucking it."

"Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy."

"Every TEDTalk seems like a fake laugh convention."

"Why are giraffe's heads so far away from their bodies? Long necks."

"Names that when read out loud sound dirty Hue Janis Hue Jazz Dixie Normous Jack Mehoff Mike Hawk Phil Mahooters Philip Mabung"

"If I work security at the Samsung store, does that make me a Guardian of the Galaxy?"

"Why was the couch afraid of the chair? The chair was armed."

"My girlfriend just broke up with me, mainly because of my extreme Burger King addiction. So I said to her ""Fine, have it your way."""