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Joke of the Day

"What happened when the icicle landed on the sowmman's head? It knocked him cold."

"ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away? HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem."

"Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith."

"""Hey, let's share a bottle of wine and try out the shriek-laugh we've been rehearsing."" -The women next to everyone everywhere."

"I spotted a machine in a store that read ""It'll do to you what you do to eggs!"" and I'm still trying to figure out what that means. Beats me."

"911? Yes, I was making donuts and... yes, donuts... yes, I'll hold. DAMN YOU GUYS ARE FAST!"

"My friend said to me 'The Tory party is just cuts after cuts after cuts!'... ... I told him 'You're one letter off.'"

"Don't you hate it when you're running on a treadmill and then your butt gets really itchy and then you over-share on the internet?"

"They say dog is a man's best friend and diamonds are a girl's best friend but My best friends are cows because steak and handbags."

"just witnessed a salmon shitting out its ovaries. it winked at me and said 'that's how i roe.'"