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Joke of the Day

"""WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?"" Dunno. I'll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony."

"Whenever I see a teenager, I can't help thinking"" holy shit"" was I really THAT fucking stupid once?"

"When the Paris attacks occured, did anyone think to call Ja Rule for some answers?"

"I'd do well in a zombie apocalypse because I'm near sighted, get cramps if I don't get enough potassium and my only skill is googling things"

"My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know...."

"Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours"

"How do you prove human beings are inherently curious?"

"My neighbors are organizing something called a ""fun run"". This shit never happened when I lived in my car."

"If you think Pi is 3142, then you're missing the point."

"Coworker: What's your phone number? *looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker...."