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Joke of the Day

"Iron Man: I'll hack into their security. Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR! Thor: I'll silence their guards. Captain America: What's a microwave?"

"Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!"

"I can see your camouflage pants, so they're not working."

"I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch."

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

"Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): ""lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck)."""

"*Rains pennies from heaven* *coins decimate the land [terrified scream] 'CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!'"

"It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot."

"How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?"

"TIFU by sitting next to a really hot Thai chick on the bus home today and kept thinking, ""Don't get an erection, don't don't don't..."" But she did."