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Joke of the Day

"*makes sure kids are asleep* *walks out to car* *slowly unwraps candy bar* *hears knock on window* *puts head down* *hands it to them*"

"How do you kill a hipster? By drowning him in the mainstream"

"I'm old school when it comes to video games and by that I mean I turn into a senior citizen who yells ""which one am I?"" every 30 seconds."

"I would tell you the chemical symbol for sodium... ...But Na.... *rimshot*"

"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter!"

"What did the chef say to his assistant when he got handed the wrong ingredients? This is neither the thyme nor the plaice."

"I was very disappointed to have to pay for my new roof. The builder had promised me it would be on the house."

"I knocked over the altar at a Buddhist temple the other day and spilled ash all over the monks They were incensed"

"What do the Japanese do during erections? They vote."

"apparently my psychiatrist doesn't appreciate that i call her my new drug dealer"