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Joke of the Day

"How to get laid: WALK RIGHT UP TO HER & just get to know her over time until u build mutual affection & the trust to enjoy each other naked"

"What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky"

"My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated."

"I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money."

"I like to kiss my girlfriends neck. I guess I'm a neck romancer."

"What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain."

"What do you do when you meet a robotic genie? You mech a wish."

"When I die, can you do me a favor and tell my wife that I loved her? Thanks. Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme."

"I'm scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I'll run them under cold water for half a second"

"How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but my basement's still dark"