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Joke of the Day

"If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She's probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny's again."

"Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?"

"I tried to kill a spider with glitter spray... Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it cinnamon."

"There were rumours about someone who gassed a total of 6 million cows In other news, the government was finally able to meet the demand of Anne Frankfurters"

"[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY"

"What did Obama say when he was alone? Obamaself"

"i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative"

"How does Donald Trump plan to get rid of illegal Mexican fans of Stars Wars? Obi Juan by Juan Kenobi"

"Shitting myself about this Ebola situation... Which is worrying, because that's one of the symptoms."

"""Marriage is like a ring of fire"", my dad used to tell me. "" The men on the outside want to be in it, and the ones on the inside want to get out of it """