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Joke of the Day

"I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today... He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin."

"""...This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right."" -my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet."

"Thought I saw Donald Trump but it was just a pile of distressed leather with a raccoon napping on top of it."

"[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer"

"How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger? His mom is Thai and his dad is......."

"It only takes one drink to get me drunk The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."

"When asking a girl out it's important to show you respect her. Try writing your number on a Tubman Twenty so she knows your a feminist."

"There are only 10 sorts of people in the world those who understand binary and those who don't."

"What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds? Chevy Chase."

"Why did the piglets get in trouble in their stained glass class? They stained it with mud."