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Joke of the Day

"What kind of car does a cat drive? A Cadillac."

"a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread"

"How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining."

"Apparently ""You probably don't hear this a lot, but I think you're quite attractive"" isn't a very good pickup line."

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush."

"Why couldn't the man leave Moscow? He was Snowden."

"Why did the Pakistani cook get fired? He could only cook eggs Sunni side up and, honestly, they tasted like Shi'ite."

"Boss: ""Do you know why I've called you into my office?"" Into My Office: ""Because that's my name?"" Boss: ""Yes, that's right."""

"If cats could text you back, they wouldn't."

"I asked a Chinese girl for her number..... She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629."""