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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear the news about half-life 3 Me neither"

"Men are creepy, super creepy, but also a lady just stood on the same escalator step as me and lit a lighter and just held it the whole ride."

"Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?"

"I used to not get on with my mother-in-law but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!"

"Me: *disappears for a few weeks* Friends: *No concern* Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB* Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?"

"I once asked a girl out on a date to perform in my favorite hobby. She demanded there be no strings attached We had a shit day flying kites"

"what do you call a cat that copies off others' exam papers? a cheetah"

"How do hipsters measure weight? In Instagrams."

"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now"

"Why can't you eat soup in the Matrix... Because there is no spoon...."