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Joke of the Day

"*walking into our new house* ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home? HER: *giggling* OK *later, flinging holy water* ME: GET OUT GHOSTS"

"My phone keeps going missing Serves me right for leaving it on airplane mode"

"Men go to bars for 2 reasons: 1) They don't have a wife to go home to. 2) They have a wife to go home to."

"Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people's houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed"

"Why do people go to bed? Because the bed won't come to them."

"I always try to tell myself that I don't actually hate people as much as I say I do...and then I go to the mall."

"Did you hear the one about the dyslexic philosopher with insomnia? He was up all night wondering if there really is a dog. I know it's a dad joke, because it was my dad's favorite joke."

"What do you get when you plant a loaf of bread? A bakery."

"When things are bad, remember: At least you're not as big an asshole as the guy who invented putting walnuts in chocolate chip cookies."

"What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear? One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear."