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Joke of the Day

"Life is a lot like a piece of toilet paper. You're either on a roll, or you're taking shit from some asshole."

"What's grey and comes in quarts? An elephant."

"It's funny how trusting of bartenders we are. I wouldn't let my life-long best friend hold my credit card for four hours while I was getting bombed."

"Why did Obama take all the pens when he left the White House? Because trumps bringing his own pence."

"I've got a gag about skin bleaching... ...but I'm not white, to be fair."

"[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is ""bananas"" GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes"

"How do I explain to this bank teller than I'm just robbing her and not the bank?"

"[walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids."

"This skinny girl just told me she ""forgets"" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it's contagious."

"A soviet joke Q: What doesn't buzz and doesn't fit up your ass? A: A soviet made anal buzzer."