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Joke of the Day

"I saw a sheep give birth today All I could say was ""ewe"" (I know this joke is probably overused but I'm currently on a Bill Nye the Science Guy nostalgia trip right now so fuck the haters.)"

"Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green? Batman: You're the decoy"

"Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*"

"I'm not sure which super villain I want to be for Halloween yet Right now it's between The Joker and the white privileged male."

"review of outside: too many other people, bugs will attack you randomly, pizza only available in certain areas 0/5 would not recommend"

"Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn't catch on like they had hoped"

"My ears were ringing, so I pressed keys on the piano to find out what note it was. There was a B buzzing in my ears."

"My girlfriend accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne."

"How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex"

"I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world."