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Joke of the Day

"My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta... Yuk yuk yuk"

"Knock-knock. Who's there? No, he's on first."

"What do you call a person with a meat pastry on their ear? Pioneer."

"If you spend ""up to $9000"" on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by."

"So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster Now it doesn't work."

"[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It's okay, just go on without me"

"[sees some cut grass] ""Nice"" [sees some ripped leaves] ""oh yea"" [sees a twig with a 6 pack] ""holy shit"""

"Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I'm standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice."

"And then the penguin says to the bartender, this *is* my most casual outfit!"

"Fun fact: the person who said ""If you love something let it go"" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats."