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Joke of the Day

"You're a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren't you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that's also a liar?"

"What is more dangerous than a polar bear? A bi-polar bear."

"Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often. Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself."

"Remember when putting something on the internet was the equivalent of hiding it in a vault on a planet your parents had never even heard of?"

"I should of studied harder in English."

"What's the difference between a toilet and a sink? ... Aaaand you're not allowed in my house anymore."

"How many people with ADHD does it take to change a - oh look, tree!"

"Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was assaulted."

"What's the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates"

"There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops."