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Joke of the Day

"[at ER] ME: my stomach hurts. DOC: have you been able to eat anything today? ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza."

"Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook."

"[speed dating] her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you? me: define ""child"""

"Officer: ""didn't you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?"" Me: ""yes I did officer. But this isn't my car"""

"It must be tough for a woman going through her OKCupid messages finding a good one... It's like finding a needle in a hey-stack."

"How I wear a scarf: 1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder 2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it. 3. Repeat"

"Me: I can't get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth Friend: I love those candies Me: Candies?"

"Getting frisky and my girlfriend told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the head."

"GENIE: u have 3 wishes ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear GENIE: k ME: a blue one GENIE: righto ME: now make Kanye hear out of it GENIE: dude"

"Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town."