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Joke of the Day

"Getting a text from someone when I'm trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web."

"What's a cats favorite Mexican dish? A purr-rito"

"When I was a kid I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex, so I'd watch them from the wardrobe."

"Why are Helium, Curium and Barium called the medical elements? Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium. (Heard it from Heimerdinger, League of Legends)"

"What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and the American people? America doesn't want Bush."

"""I don't think so"", said Rene Descartes Just then he vanished."

"""Penguins mate for life. Isn't that romantic?"" You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it. ""You're my penguin."""

"For the next president we should just elect the CEO of a dildo company at least they're honest about how they fuck people"

"A WWII Joke! What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? ""I was just following odors."""

"Husband: So we've basically given up. Me: On what? H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting."