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Joke of the Day

"Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I'll fol- Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!"

"I used to have a 2 year old son, he died the same way Eric Clapton's son died... For inspiration"

"I'm 291 away from having 3000 followers on Twitter and 8 away from having 10 friends in real life."

"I have an Asian cat. Her name is Mi Yao."

"We shouldn't give a shit about recycling or pollution because some scientist will come up with something eventually"

"If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees."

"What's the stupidest prank someone tried pulling on you? My sister just told me she was pregnant and I was the father. Does she really think I'm that dumb? I'm 100% sure she's on birth control."

"if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down"

"What comes between fear and sex? Funf!"

"Why did Hitler go to Sea World? To see Adolphin!"