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Joke of the Day

"Mom: Time to wake updog. Son: *groggily* What's updog? Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u? Dad (from hallway): OWNED"

"So. Like. We're all just gonna ignore the rapture that's supposed to happen?"

"[NSFW] What is the best engine ever made in this world? A vagina! 1. It takes any size pistons. 2. It auto lubricates itself 3. every 28 days it performs automatic oil changes."

"Irish wedding vs. Irish funeral (Possibly offensive? Naah...) What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk."

"What starts with e, ends with e, and has one letter in it? An envelope."

"I loathe tweets like ""Be somebody's beautiful tragedy"". Might as well tweet using a random word generator. ""Be golf brisket honkytonk"""

"If acne on your back is ""back-ne""... Then what is acne on your knee called?"

"psychic: ""I see... I see kids in your future"" me: ""but I've had a vasectomy"" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] ""This's bullshit"""

"People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world."

"I need to give my cat an abortion But every time I throw her down the stairs she just lands on her feet."