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Joke of the Day

"My fine art and fragrances business has failed. The perfumes sold well, but I didn't really know how to market the paintings I'd bought. I've got more Monet than scents"

"My dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the Net. What an intelligent animal! Not really it took the cat three weeks to teach him."

"I love using those really powerful bathroom hand dryers, because I get to see what it would look like if my hands went skydiving."

"When my Dad passes, I will get a tattoo of him looking down at me from Heaven, disapproving of me getting a tattoo to commemorate him."

"While in Prague I drove by the maximum security prison. It made me feel uneasy... I never like passing bad Czechs."

"Why doesn't Superman watch Game of thrones? Because he has a LED-TV."

"[deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I'll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it"

"How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck"

"What do you get when you throw a bomb in a French bathroom? Linoleum Blown-apart"

"Stephen Hawing running for president Just kidding.....he can't run"