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Joke of the Day

"I met a cute deaf girl at a bar the other day... ... that bitch still hasn't returned any of my calls."

"If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic"

"Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?... On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them."

"It was Christmastime, and everyone was feeling merry.. ..so she went home. ---- I know it works better when spoken. My grandpa used to say this line every Christmas. RIP Tata, you made reddit."

"Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort."

"If someone tries to assassinate Trump what will the secret service shout? ""Donald, duck"""

"What did the collections person say to the board.. You've been surfed!"

"Why was the blonde crawling on the ground in the shop? She was trying to find the lowest prices"

"I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran."

"[Interview room] Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!"