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Joke of the Day

"*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*"

"I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through."

"""Maybe like a tiny bed for your face."" - pillow pitch meeting"

"Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!"

"I dread doing laundry as if I didn't have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing"

"What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married."

"I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound."

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out."

"Sometimes when I can't sleep I stare into the darkness and think how uncomfortable it must be to have balls between your legs."

"Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."