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Joke of the Day

"My friends swore I was dating a witch I now know she's more of a cunt."

"""Give it to me,""She begged. ""I'm so wet! Give it to me now!"" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella."

"How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold it in the socket and the other to drink until the room starts spinning!"

"I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes."

"Human confrontation has gone from face-to-face to phone call to email to text to :/."

"Shout out to the people who are wondering what the opposite of in is."

"I was sold a calculator with the plus button missing. Something doesn't quite add up."

"[in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys"

"Why did 6 break up with 7? Because 7 ate 9 out"

"I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream."