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Joke of the Day

"Grocery produce aisle ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?"

"""Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."" ""Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."""

"Why did Arnold show up at the rodent infested house? Because he is an ex-Terminator."

"How do you make a plumber cry? murder his family."

"I text this girl who was renting a room in my house ""I want to lick you out"" If she likes the text then I go with it, if not I blame predictive text and it was meant to say ""I want to kick you out""."

"me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life wife: no, the rest of yours"

"[Dr.] ""Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you'll die"" *slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth* ""Don't do it"" *eats cheese* *dies*"

"A photon walks into a hotel... and the desk clerk says, ""can I help you with your luggage?"" The photon responds, ""no thanks, I'm traveling light."""

"When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting."

"How people think Brain: ""You're weird."" Body: ""and you're fat."" Face: ""plus you're pretty ugly"" Food: ""I'm here for you babe..."""