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Joke of the Day

"9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe: ""It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?"""

"My girlfriend's angry because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof. Please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean?"

"A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday.So the uncle bought him a used car dealership."

"Continuing the apparent theme of incest jokes... How do you circumcise a boy from Missouri? You kick his sister in the chin."

"Friend: what time do you usually go to bed? Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4"

"My husband said I was unfeminine, so I socked him in the mouth."

"Can humans justify anything? Obviously not, just look at Adam Sandler's career."

"To prepare her for real life I make my daughter pretend to tweet on a toy phone when she's taking a crap."

"Back in my day, we didn't have computers or the internet. Guys would have to walk uphill for days to tell me I'm gay."

"The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi."