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Joke of the Day

"DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]"

"What's the difference between a hippie girl and a can of beans? You would still eat the beans after a month in the woods"

"Q: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde? A: A dick."

"According to Carl Jung, I should live life like a kleptomaniac hooker... ...and take things as they come."

"What is brown and sits in a toilet in a dutch attic? The diarrhea of Anne Frank."

"Parallel lines have so much in common.... it's a shame they're never gonna meet."

"Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house."

"People used to think George Washington was antisocial. But he just wasn't a party person."

"I've GOT to get a life stenographer. It'd be great to say, ""Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand."""

"Bees aren't disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese."