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Joke of the Day

"Dollar Tree pregnancy tests. For when you only want to be 35% sure."

"Me: This painting really speaks to me. Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alba ! Alba ! Alba in the kitchen if you need me !"

"""You can hide but you can't run,"" -- Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids"

"Tom Hanks is extremely polite... In fact, every time someone asks him for an autograph, he's the one that ends up saying ""T.Hanks"""

"Imagine if a guy with a stutter was named History because History repeats himself"

"I think it's a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone's first guess is ""constipation."""

"What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!"

"If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear."

"Been really trying to see things from my wife's point of view lately... Been looking out this kitchen window for hours..."