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Joke of the Day

"If you elect me president, the national unemployment figures are guaranteed to drop by at least one."

"Did you hear about the water that evaporated? It will be mist."

"Saw a new machine at the gym, but could only use it for 20mins before it made me sick It was great... it had M&M's, Skittles, you name it!"

"When I Die When I die, I want my last words to be ""I left a million dollars under the..."""

"My penis and I have had the same secret handshake for 13 years. Friends forever."

"When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5? Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak"

"My waiter asked, ""would you like sour cream, bacon and chives on your potato?"" ""That's a loaded question."""

"Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day Set a man on fire and he is warm for a lifetime."

"All right, Mr. Bank Guy. My business plan is forcing my pregnant dog to drink beer so its puppies are deformed and I can make money off them"

"Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream"