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Joke of the Day

"As an atheist I don't receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say ""may God have mercy on your soul."""

"It's 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I'm still writing 2014 on my checks."

"How does the redneck's wife know that her daughter is pregnant? her son's dick tastes like shit."

"Do stoners just call it a five? Do native American Indians just ask 'Are you?' after greeting someone? Do Canadians buy smaller batteries by accident, eh?"

"[Cannibal Restaurant] Waiter: Need anything else? Cannibal: No, I'm stuffed. I can't even finish this. Could I get a body bag?"

"GF: I'm moving out if you don't stop pretending you work at a supermarket. ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?"

"I once thought about suicide. Then I realised that there's probably better things to name our child."

"My wife asked me what I wanted to eat that's fast and easy? Mmm...Your vagina?"

"Did you hear that Sir Mix-A-Lot's pet snake left his girlfriend because she went low-carb? His anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun."

"Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it ""inappropriate"""