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Joke of the Day

"We've been over this. I DO NOT WANT A PDF OF YOUR MENU."

"Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do."

"[dies and goes to hell] me: ""mom? dad!? what are you doing here!"" dad: ""we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."""

"You didn't even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair! - women"

"Did you hear there was a stick up on the bridge? Yeah, they don't know how it got up there considering there are no trees there."

"CVS clerk: Receipt? Me: Sure *God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*"

"What music does a balloon really hate? Pop"

"It's pretty silly to be afraid of spiders when most of them have probably never answered a text message with a phone call."

"Why isn't there a Jared's for boys? Oh wait, there is."

"How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you."